Something that is earned or something that is built?
This question popped up after a very engaging dialogue with a group of people last night. Here is, of course, my unscripted opinion on the matter of trust in relationships.
There is a false premise that “trust is earned”. Trust is not earned, it is something that is built over time. When you enter a relationships and you come from the position that the person you’re involved with must “earn” your trust, you are not allowing them room to grow with you. You have placed upon them the expectation that they must put in a lot of work to win you. Most people, especially men, don’t want relationships to be hard, they want it to be easy and effortless. Granted that is not always the case, and most times there will be challenges along the way. But, this is where you can change your perspective on the matter of trust and building it, rather than expecting someone working to get it from you.
Trust in Relationships Doesn’t Have to Be Earned
When you make the decision to be involved with someone and you choose to build a relationship with them, you demonstrate over time that they can trust you because you ensure them by words or actions that you have their best interest at heart. My advice is always come from a space of trusting first, then if that person shows you by some action that they cannot be trust, they have destroyed at that moment what was built to that point.
When you come into a relationship from the aspect that a person must earn your trust, you do not possess the ability to trust, and you must first deal with that baggage before you can expect to attract a partner that you can feel trust. Trust in relationships is a feeling that only you can possess, the other person cannot feel trust FOR YOU…they can only feel trusted by you. And when the absence of trust from you exist, it motivates a negative reaction and behavior that will validate that feeling of trust.
It’s really very simple…we think, we feel, we act…When we think that they person we are involved with will do something to hurt us, we feel insecure and suspicious; we then do things through our actions that send off the signal that we are not trusting them, or we feel distrust. It is not their fault, it is ours. We must control this by not projecting our distrust on our partners and find the core of the feeling and deal with it.
I say trust until he/she proves that they can not be trusted. Then you have a valid premise for your feelings.
If your relationship has enough trust, honesty and understanding. It should never require promises, terms and conditions.